I have an eating disorder. But it’s not like bulimia or anorexia.
I eat when I’m:
- bored
- stressed
- upset
- happy
- sad or depressed
- tired
I am addicted to food.
I’ve always thought of food as a friend. I do not just eat when I’m hungry. For me, food equals comfort. With my hectic schedule, I often find that I’m eating just to stay awake. I reward even my smallest accomplishments with large fat-filled meals and desserts. Sitting down in front of the TV is difficult without a snack. When yet another unqualified co-worker is promoted at work, my anger can be dulled with several trips to the vending machine. A lunchtime trip to Paradise Bakery or Chipotle will make any day brighter.
My addiction to food comes with a bonus feature. Protection. Hardly anyone looks twice at the heavy girl. No one expects her to dress nice or wear heals. She keeps quiet and rarely volunteers. Most people can’t tell you what she wore to work yesterday or if she was even at the staff meeting. Fat provides a protective barrier between me and the world. That used to be okay with me; I didn’t want people to notice me.
All that is different now. I have a husband who loves me just the way I am. I’m qualified to move up in my company and an opening is on the horizon. I’m less than a year away from my BA in English. It’s time to take off the protective layers and take some chances. My memoir is almost ready to be shopped around for a publisher. It’s time to come out of my shell; this layer of fat is slowly suffocating me and my dreams.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. Change takes courage. Change brings attention. Change takes work. Change requires commitment and follow-through. Change does not happen overnight. Do I really want to add something else to my plate right now when I’m busier than I’ve ever been before? YES.
